


carry on my wayward crests

by aiyastark, Hazelmallorn, serpentin3



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Angels & Demons, Alternate Universe - Demons, Crack, Demons, Florida Man - Freeform, M/M, Mitch McConnell - Freeform, Parody, we are all going to turbohell
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:00:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28747341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aiyastark/pseuds/aiyastark, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hazelmallorn/pseuds/Hazelmallorn, https://archiveofourown.org/users/serpentin3/pseuds/serpentin3
Summary: Felix is a minor demon who gets smote to Turbohell after a nasty fight with an angel. When he arrives, he meets Sylvain Gautier, a demon prince, who is determined to take him on an adventure. Crack!fic taken mildly seriously but mostly not. Supernatural jokes etc within. Updates every Wednesday night/Thursday.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius & Sylvain Jose Gautier, Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

Felix is a minor demon, as in he’s never seen the sun, as in he’s also never seen the deepest level of hell. He’s the kind of demon who walks their one layer, breaks the rules appropriately (he is a demon, after all), and partakes in his government assigned cardinal sin in a tasteful manner. Seeing as it’s wrath, it gets him into much more trouble with the other demons than is sometimes convenient.

Which is why he finds himself in this situation now. During one nasty fight with that archangel Raphael, the golden man himself smites him into the earth so hard that Felix almost loses his little horns.

When he wakes next, he finds himself lying in the dark in what smells like a weed cellar. 

“I’ll fucking get him next time,” he mumbles, picking himself off the ground. He pats his head and finds that his horns are still in place. 

His sin isn’t pride, but it might be a close second. And his ego is a little bruised after such a great fall. He starts hyping himself up inwardly as he looks around the dark landscape.

Felix Hugo Fraldarius is a big and scawwy demon. He is so big and scawwy that he isn't just a demon, he is a deadly sin. A wrathful demon of angry, burning wrath. Rawr, he has the horns to show for it.

“I’m a demon,” he exposits to no one in particular.

“Yer a demon, Felix,” a random voice responds. 

“Yeah?” Felix asks. “And who are you?"

“I’m Sylvain,” the voice sneers.

“Oh, really? I think I’ve heard of you."

“Yeah!!!” Sylvain roars. “I’m a demon, too!!”

“Well I’m not just a demon. I’m also…….” Felix pauses dramatically. “I’m also an  _ ATHEIST.” _

“You don’t believe in the big guy up there?” Sylvain holds out his hand and a ball of fire sits in his palm. 

“Never seen them for myself.”

“What about the big guy down there?” 

Felix scrunches his nose and tilts his head. “Did you just-?”   


“Yes.”

“I don’t even know you,” Felix says, "so I can’t say I’ve seen _him_ either.”

“Well,” Sylvain says with a smile that betrays two pointed canines, "we can rectify that if you want. Welcome to Superhell.”

Felix realizes in one moment of clarity that he might be dead and he's certainly not in heaven.

* * *

Sylvain’s day is going strangely already, but it’s made even stranger by the sound of hell breaking open about two hundred feet away, and then a very loud boom as something makes impact with pit bottom.

He turns around to see the listless body of what looks to be a demon covered in dust.

“Hm,” he hums aloud. “Should I check that out?”

On one hand, it would probably fall under his realm of duties as the son of Lucifer, checking on disturbances in the realm and all. So going to check on the suspicious package would definitely be a no for Sylvain. But on the other hand, it  _ would  _ make him late for his meeting for his father, which would make his father annoyed, which is often one of his main main goals in life. Sylvain starts power walking towards the body.

When he's about halfway there, the figure stands up and brushes himself off. Sylvain can now see that the suspicious package seems to be a whole snack, like a a whole Chex-mix pack. Said snack seems to be a minor demon, one that just got out of a fight if the guy’s tattered clothes, scratches, and wounds are anything to show for it. His shirt is what remains of a black cotton T-shirt, and he has three thick, angry scars going from his right pectoral to his left hip. His hair is long and sticks to his face, which looks distinctly annoyed and maybe feral, Sylvain notes. 

Even more curiously, the guy doesn’t seem to recognize him. Sylvain's name sounds familiar to him, the guy says, and then narrows his eyes and walks away after their brief conversation. Sylvain hasn’t experienced many days where someone has failed to recognize him, and he’s not sure how he feels about that.

Well, now he’s sufficiently late to his meeting with his father. Sylvain meanders over to his quarters, thinking about the strange demon the whole way.

“Hello, ladies!” Sylvain sings as he flings open his doors.

His latest favorite succubus sits on a purple couch in his room and turns to him with a sly smile.

“Just one lady for now,” she says.

“You’re worth three, I promise,” Sylvain says with a wink. “Wanna make my dad mad?” 

She beckons him over to the couch with one bending finger, very familiar with the routine already. 

* * *

A few minutes later, Sylvain's door busts open, and a gust of hot wind rushes into the room. 

“SYLVAIN!” Lucifer bellows, so loud that all of Superhell quakes. “YOU’RE LATE!”

Sylvain rolls his eyes, gives a flashy flip of his ginger hair, and winks at the demon lady he’s currently making out with. 

“The fuck you want, Father?” he snaps in irritation, demeanor entirely different from just moments ago. 

“I have an assignment for you, you lazy scum of a son. If it weren’t for that demon Superhell blood you bear, I would’ve murdered you and stuck your head on a stick long ago.” 

“Thanks, Father, very scrumptious,” Sylvain snaps. “Now get on with it.” 

“You are now tasked to monitor each layer of Superhell. I’m sure you will thoroughly enjoy yourself as you will get to watch all these lovely women pass by.” 

Sylvain snorts. “I’m not into voyeurism, Father. I need to be doing stuff myself.” 

His father gives him a look of disapproval that could exorcise a whole demon. Sylvain shuts up immediately, as he would rather not be exorcised by his own father. However, the 3 brain cells Sylvain possesses begin working very hard and consuming a lot of ATP. He does not want to monitor the layers, as that would mean no time for him to engage in lackadaisical frolicking. 

“I can’t,” he replies, crossing his arms. 

His father, Lucifer, starts turning a rather unpleasant shade of red. “And WHY would you say that, you ungrateful son of a Christian?” 

“Father, I thought you turned from Christianity 69420 years ago.” 

“SILENCE!” Lucifer booms, causing Superhell to quake even more this time, so much that the measly humans on earth feel a 5.2 degree earthquake that breaks the tip of the Washington Monument. 

“Alright, alright, but _Seirosly_ , father, you cannot possibly expect me to do this. I’m still trying to hunt down the seven deadly sins, remember?” 

Lucifer pauses, scouring his memory. He may be the king of Superhell, but his memory is about as competent as some memory-challenged humans on the surface. Not recalling anything, but not wanting to embarrass himself should his son bring forth proof, he merely grunts in acknowledgment. 

“Right,” Sylvain continues, knowing the exact process that went through his father’s head, which was really no process at all. “And I’m really close to finding Lust. She just keeps slipping out of my grasp, like that damn bunny Mips.” The last part he mutters more to himself than to his father. 

“Like WHO now?” Lucifer roars. 

“Nobody,” Sylvain responds sweetly. “But I am quite close. You know you must let me catch this one, or else it’ll escape my grasp – our grasp – for another hundred thousand years.” 

All of this is true, and Lucifer has no choice but to relent. As much as he hates Sylvain’s “skirtchasing,” as a certain Prince Dimitri calls it, he hates the Seven Deadly Sins more. 

* * *

After Felix gets out of the conversation with that weird guy, he wanders around the vast nothingness looking for something to do or someone to fight, but apparently there is nothing, not even a Waffle House.

Felix has just started swearing to himself in various languages to hopefully summon up some demonly energy to blast out of here, when the weird guy reappears with a poof.

“Why do you keep talking to me?” Felix asks Sylvain.

“Because life is short, and you are hot. :D” says Sylvain.

“I think that pick-up line only works on the pre-deceased, and you’re already in hell.”

“Alright then, because you are hot and hell is freezing over. There.”

“Hmph.”

Sylvain smiles. “Truth is, I kinda told my dad that we’re you know…  _ you know. _ He woulda made me do some things for plot-related reasons otherwise, so I told him we’re….  _ You know.” _

“I know what?” Felix asks.

“Well… you know,” Sylvain whispers. “We’re  _ Spanish-dubbed _ .”

“Qué.” Felix deadpans. 

“Sí,” Sylvain says back nonsensically. “ El amor todo lo puede.” 

Felix doesn’t understand what any of that means, but he just sort of goes with it. His next wrath session isn’t due for another full moon anyway, and in the meantime, he might as well just kill time talking to Sylvain.

“What’s your full name anyway? I’m Felix Hugo Fraldarius.”

“Ooh, Fraldarius is a nice last name. I wish my last name was Fraldarius.” Sylvain winks.

See, in  _ super inférnio,  _ it’s important to distinguish everyone by their full names. Because there are just  _ that many _ people in hell sharing even the most uncommon names. Seriously, did anyone know how many people down here are named “Florida man?” Or how many people are named “Aragorn II son of Arathorn II, chieftain of the Dunédain of Arnor, Captain of the Host of the West, bearer of the Star of the North, wielder of the Sword Reforged, victorious in battle, whose hands bring healing, the Elfstone, Elessar of the line of Valandil, Isildur’s son, Elendil’s son of Numénor” ? 

Like seriously, put a last name in there. 

Sylvain turns back to Felix, flashing a million dollar grin. 

“I’m Sylvain. Sylvain Forbidden Letter Gautier.”

“What the Lucifer’s Asscheeks is the forbidden letter? A? B?”

“I’ll let you think that,” Sylvain says slyly. “Though I’d rather not think about my father’s asscheeks, thanks.” 

Felix wracks his brain so hard he misses the second part of Sylvain’s statement entirely. The process doesn’t take very long.

“Sylvain Bombadil Gautier????”

Sylvain snorts. 

“Look,” Felix says, gritting his teeth, “who are you and what do you want?"

Sylvain sighs. “Honestly?”

“You insult me by thinking I would ask a demon to be honest.”

“Okay, but this is the honest truth. I’m the son of Lucifer and I just told him I was going to try to find Lust.”

“And I’m the son of God.”

“No, really!" 

Felix stops walking by Sylvain and turns his head with so much force that his hair whips around. “And what does this have to do with me?”

“I just told you,” Sylvain says with a smile, and looks at Felix out of the corner of his eye. “I think you’re hot.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix meets the parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is technically a "meet the parents" chapter, but there's also an unfavorable depiction of Rhea, as a heads up.

“Insatiable,” Felix mutters, and turns on his heel to walk away. He's had a long day. First, he got into a scrap. Then, he lost. And then, he found himself hurtling through air and earth. And now this devil is trying to flirt with him. Felix isn't exactly sure where he’s going to go, seeing as superhell is one vast nothingness, but he has just decided that Sylvain is distinctly annoying, son of Lucifer or not. 

“Come on, dude,” Sylvain calls to Felix. “Wait up a sec.”

Felix stops but doesn’t turn. “Why?”

“I think I can help you get out of here.”

Felix slowly looks over his shoulder with a scoff. “With what, your incessant flirting with people you’ve just met?”

“Actually, yes, if that gets us closer to Lust.” Sylvain walks up to Felix so they’re again side by side. “If you help my father with an important task, he’ll be more likely to make a deal to get you out of hell.”

“Sylvain, demons are always in hell.”

“Fine. He’ll be more likely to help you get back wherever it is you were wreaking havoc.”

“And why should I believe you?” Felix cocks one skeptical eyebrow.

“Look, you can't. We all know you can’t trust a demon. But you can’t go further down from here.”

That was true at least. Felix folds his arms, but he turns around to finally face Sylvain with one cocked eyebrow.  “Why me?”  


“At this point you’re just fishing for compliments.” Sylvain winks.

“Insatiable,” Felix says again, exasperated. “Fine, tell me what we need to do next to find this so-called Lust.”

Sylvain ruffles his hair while letting out an awkward 'heh heh.' “I think you should exposit 50 words of backstory to me before we continue. You know, so it seems like we actually have a relationship foundation instead of just being two demons with more horns than holes.”

Felix suddenly finds himself compelled by the force of plot to expound upon his backstory, and the words (which would never exit his mouth otherwise) are suddenly spilling.  “I grew up with a dad who liked a boar more than he liked me. It gave me trauma. I was sad. Then my brother died. Then I was more sad. Then I thought, fuck being sad. So then I got mad. I have been mad ever since. The end, stupidass.” 

Felix glares up at Sylvain. “Was that good enough for your stupid 50 word backstory?” he snaps. 

Sylvain grins. “It’s 51 words, but it would’ve been perfect if you left out the stupidass. I think you might like me.” 

Felix scowls. “I can count, bitch.”

“Jerk.” 

At this insult, Felix seems to soften up a little, as he is clearly a tsundere given his elaborate backstory. His left horn gives a little “~nyah”, signalling his warming up to Sylvain. His right one silences it with a prompt “baka!!”

“Alright!” Sylvain says cheerfully, clasping his hands together. “Now that we’re best friends, it’s time to introduce you to my father so that he can see your fine ass and understand why I’ve taken an interest in you!”

“I have no ass,” Felix deadpans, in a voice flatter than his ass. It is true, when Felix became a demon, all the curvature of his body moved from his rear end to his horns. It is just common demon etiquette.

“Oh but you do,” Sylvain responds smoothly. “Your ass is so fine that you could make an equation out of it. Here, lie down and let me take a look.” 

“Any such equation would be strictly linear.”

“No, actually it is precisely [ y=-(sin(x^(1.7/6)+4)+(1/x))+10 ](http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/The_Ackles_Ass_Equation) ,” Sylvain responds after a moment of examination of Felix’s prone form. Sylvain really said "get down" and Felix said "how low."  


However, Felix assures himself and the audience constantly plaguing his brain throwing tomatoes at him that he is not enjoying this at all, absolutely not. He would never enjoy having his ass examined by someone he just told his entire traumatic backstory to, that would be way too close to being a healthy relationship and Felix is a demonly demon who vores toxic masculinity for dinner and doesn’t need no soft emotions.

“Alright,” says Sylvain after he finishes admiring the amplitude of sinusoids. “Let’s go to my father. He’ll surely understand how you relate to capturing Lust herself.”

After a couple hours of walking around in turbohell and admiring the scenery of screaming sinners and pineapple-on-pizza enthusiasts, the pair of demons finally arrive before Lucifer.

Sylvain turns to the lady whom he usually sees attending Lucifer. “Hey Rhea, where’s ole Lucyboi?” 

The lady, Rhea, has pale green hair and the most condescending glare in all existence. “Sylvain, if you only followed the teachings of Seiros, you would not have ended up in Turbohell like this.” Rhea speaks with a soft voice that sends ants crawling up Sylvain’s back. Literal ants. He brushes them off his shoulder.  


“Shove it up your ass, you can of seaweed. As if you’re not the biggest hypocrite I’ve met in Heaven, Hell, Superhell, Purgatory, Fodlán, Duscur, and Applebees.” While naming each of these nations, Sylvain ticks off each of his fingers as he counts. 

Rhea gasps, eyes betraying a flash of draconian rage that makes her look more akin to the Immaculate One. The moment is instantly gone, replaced by her same condescending, sickening stare. 

Felix frowns loudly. He does not like to see his lover—er, travelling companion—so ticked off by what looks like an overgrown Bellsprout with headgear.

“Whatever,” says Sylvain. “We're he're to talk to dad, and we’re here to hunt down some Lust. You know, fucking people, hunting things, the family business.”

“Why are you f*cking your family?” asks Rhea with genuine terror.

Sylvain grins like a cat. “Oh.  _ You _ of all people should know :D”

At that moment, Lucifer walks in. “Well well well, what’s all this about?”

“Oh, just talking about how Rhea here committed genocide in order to fuck her mommy again,” Sylvain states nonchalantly. “Incest and war crimes in one go.”

“Oh,” says Lucifer. He seems to ponder this for exactly 6.9 seconds before deciding it’s nothing new. “Eh, she’s in turbohell for a reason. What’s that got to do with you?”

“Nothing,” says Sylvain innocently. “I just think it’s really funny that a leek with eyes gets to lecture me about morality when  _ we’re _ the ones trying to hunt down Lust. You know,” Sylvain continues, placing a pondering finger on his chin, “I think ole Siggy Freud would have a heyday with her. We should have them take tea with each other. Seiros Tea, perhaps? Or Four Spice Blend? That weird weed concoction she gave that poor angel once? I think his name was Castiel.”

Felix perks up at this. “Cats-iel?” His statement goes ignored. 

“It certainly turned him homosexual,” Rhea adds helpfully.

“Aren’t we all?” Sylvain supplies cheerfully.  “I mean,” he quickly amends. “Aren’t we all in turbohell, not aren’t we all homie-sexual. Haha, haha, that would never happen to me. Concubines before friends-of-mine, am I right? Haha.”

Lucifer thinks with his three brain cells, Ron, Hermione, and Dobby, before nodding and acknowledging with a grunt that what Sylvain said makes complete and utter sense. 

At this point, Felix is so sick of being entirely ignored that he lets out a most monstrous “HMPF,” which turns everyone’s attention to him. “What?” he snaps angrily, “I was just trying to get things moving. I do NOT have until hell freezes over.” 

“Sweetheart, don’t worry, we are getting there. You must not be  _ hasty _ ,” Sylvain says to him in a smooth, soothing voice. Then he grunts like a tree for Ent-phasis.

“So why _did_ you call for me?” Lucifer asks Sylvain. 

“I just wanted to introduce you to my boyf– uh, boy buddy Felix,” Sylvain says with a flourish, brushing off the fact that he had stumbled over his words and very nearly exposed himself. “My hunting partner.”

“Oh.” Lucifer consults his three brain cells once again for guidance. “Demons used to shit their pants and burn the evidence away with hellfire.”

Sylvain scrunches up his nose. “Anyway, father, I wanted you to give Felix your stamp of approval so that he can come Lust-hunting with me anywhere in Superhell. Since, you know, he can’t access everywhere right now without your explicit permission.” 

“And why do you need that?” Lucifer asks dubiously. 

“Because Lust appears when there is a lot of lust in the air, and I lust for h–I...mean Felix lusts for a lot of people.” 

“Don’t you also lust for a lot of people?” Lucifer retorts.

Felix promptly makes the “gottem” symbol with his horns. Sylvain, however, is ready with a rebuttal. “Yes, but it works better if there are two people who both lust a lot.” 

“Yes,” Felix adds. He is finally starting to catch on to Sylvain’s gist. “I lust so much for succubuses. Mmm, I like big tentacles and I cannot lie.”

“...Fine,” Lucifer agrees, albeit reluctantly. 

“Wai—” Rhea starts to protest, but Felix silences her with a look.

“Thanks, Dad!” Sylvain calls out, as he’s already grabbing Felix’s wrist and running the hell out of … hell. It's time to go demon-watching.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mitch McConnell next chapter! Thanks for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> How much did you hate this? Let us know!


End file.
